Jennifer B. Wallace, Author of Never Enough, Comes to Castilleja
Earlier this fall, Jennifer B. Wallace, author of the New York Times bestselling nonfiction book Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic – and What We Can Do About It, came to Castilleja to address our parents and guardians, students, and faculty and staff in three tailored and thought-provoking conversations.
In her book, which Castilleja employees read over the summer, Wallace explores why loneliness, depression, anxiety, and burnout are rising among teens. She uncovers ways to counter the toxic narratives about the relationship between performance and self-worth. The solution is to help teens understand that they matter, writes Wallace, co-founder of The Mattering Movement, which provides adults and youth with the tools to build meaningful community, buffer against stress and anxiety, and make a positive impact on the world; she is also a member of the Advisory Board for Making Caring Common, a Project for the Harvard Graduate School of Education.
Having surveyed 6,500 parents across the U.S., Wallace shared research showing that kids who receive consistent affirmations of their self-worth develop resilience, confidence, and psychological security. “Kids do not need parents who take self-sacrifice to the extreme,” Wallace writes in her book. “They need parents who have some perspective on the fraught high-achievement culture; the wisdom and energy to call out the unhealthy values of achievement culture for the threats they are.”
That’s precisely the message Wallace brought to Castilleja during her three talks. What children need from adults is to feel valued beyond their accomplishments. To matter is to feel seen, cared for, and understood by the people around us: at home, at school, and in our community, she said, crediting the research of social psychologist Morris Rosenberg. During her meeting with faculty and staff, Wallace reminded the adults in the audience that we must prioritize ourselves and cultivate our relationships with others to feel like we matter, which will, in turn, serve as an example for young people.
Interviewed by two seniors, Julia K. and Claire S., during the student presentation, Wallace zeroed in on the specific issues adolescents face, such as a sense of purpose and feelings of competitiveness and envy. Wallace reminded students that these feelings are quite normal from an evolutionary perspective; use them as inspiration, she added. And when they have a negative interaction with someone, it’s important to not let it affect their sense of mattering. Perhaps the person who hurt us feels like they themselves don’t matter, she said. Hurting people hurt people.
At one point, Wallace took out a five-dollar bill from her wallet, wrinkled it, stomped on it, and (almost) dunked it in her water glass. She then asked the audience if they’d still want the bill. Hesitating, they said yes. Just like with this bill, it’s easy to forget that we matter when we feel knocked down, Wallace went on to explain. “Remember that your value does not decrease because of it. Your worth is your worth, no matter what.
If you ever feel down, remind someone else that they matter, she advised. Normalize appreciating people. Thank a person who helped you, compliment a stranger or a relative for being kind and attentive, ask someone for advice to show them that their opinion makes a difference. By helping someone else see their value and feel appreciated, we unlock mattering in ourselves, too.
“Reaching out for support is a form of self-love and compassion,” writes Wallace. And our teens and communities will be stronger for it.